Hey guys it’s Sam, and let’s talk turkey about Sam is Random, even though Thanksgiving isn’t till November this year. SIR is just about anything that comes to my mind that I feel like sharing with my
brethren fans, and I’m just going to tell you one thing: GOOSEBUMPS IS PLAIN WEIRD. And I’ll give you a couple tidbits of proof (some I’ve read, some I haven’t). Just to dub Stine every time he publishes a new book: “Reader beware—you’re in for a scare!”
Brain Juice – This is not only a downright weird Series 2000 entry, but a disgusting one as well. You just need to tell from the cover and its purple juice-oozing brain that this is a terrible thing to read, just like people say minds are. After two kids down some alien-manufactured brain juice, they literally turn into geniuses (dumb, but predictable), and these aliens are looking for young geniuses just like their kind. What. See, I haven’t read this book, so I wouldn’t know how strange it is. As I will quote Troy Steele from Blogger Beware, “Based on the number of times some variation of the word “stupid” was used in Brain Juice, the target audience must have been Andy from Monster Blood.” A mind actually would be a terrible thing to drink: that is, if aliens actually existed.
Chicken Chicken – Let me tell you, I’m not the only one who thought this book was a mistake from minute one. Well, it’s about these two kids named Crystal and Cole, Crystal being the redheaded goodie gumballs, and Cole being the obsessive prankster who could even make his mom dial the doctor for his case of red Sharpie chicken pox. But the book actually picks up a lot later when Crystal, Cole, and this dude named Anthony charge into this girl named Vanessa after buying groceries. While Anthony apologizes and abandons his friends (smooth move), Vanessa mutters “Chicken chicken” to them, and guess what? They—no, I think you can figure that out yourself. In a world where no one notices you’ve grown a freaking beak at school, and people can cast spells on you that turn you into animals (no, I think we did that already), this book had to be created. I’m not even going to waste more space ranting and/or describing this book’s failures for you, and just quote Troy again: “…I can not possibly foresee any other Goosebumps book I read being worse than this.”
The Blob That Ate Everyone – This book just masters the art of being bad. Bad name, bad cover, bad tagline, bad storyline, bad book! But we’re here to explain how it’s weird: There’s this boy named Zackie Beauchamp who wants to be a successful horror writer, which makes sense because…never mind. He’s conceiving a story about a pink blob that devours a whole town. The end. Then he finds a typewriter in a burnt-down antique store, takes it home, and becomes BFFs with it in the same way RL Stine found his new friend when he was a kid. Anyway, there’s something strange about the typewriter. Something extraordinary. Oh yeah; everything Mr. Beauimnottypinghisnameagain writes come true. Ooh, so spooky. Even though things get serious when the blob monster comes to life, there’s one thing I’m revealing: it’s not the typewriter…
My Best Friend Is Invisible – Do I have to waste space describing this to you? Well, I will: it’s a story starring me (or, at least, a boy with my name) which renders me totally into ghosts and sci-fi, which I am not. My parents only believe in legit science, themselves being research scientists who think I don’t have the perfect hobby. But now I met this kid who’s a total thorn in the side, crashing in my room, nom-nomming my breakfast. I gotta get this nuisance out of here—but the thing is, he’s flopping invisible. OMG. The weirdest pat of the book was definitely its ending, and I can’t spoil the book, so you could go buy it, or check out its page on Blogger Beware. If you’re not a fan of wasting time Googling, you can just click here for the review of My Best Friend Is Invisible. Surely you’re a fan of that.
The Werewolf in the Living Room – Nuff said.
Bride of the Living Dummy – Okay, now I get it: Slappy’s jealous because Chucky’s stealing all his spotlight. He does everything Chucky does, and he still gets trapped in just books after books while Chucky’s making fame in show biz. Chucky starts out cute, Slappy starts out cute. Chucky comes to life and gets creepy, Slappy comes to life and gets creepy. Chucky dies at the end and gets resurrected, Slappy dies at the end and gets resurrected. Chucky gets a freaking wife, and guess what…Slappy’s got himself a wife!
Invasion of the Body Squeezers, Parts 1 and 2 – This seems to be epic only in the way that Epic Movie is epic. Oh, and one more thing that I forgot…WHAT THE FUDGE MUFFIN IS THIS.
There are lots more, but it would take you probably the rest of the hour to find that out. Anyway, Goosebumps gives me this strange feeling that ponders in my heart, all strangely warm and pleasant. No it’s not compassion…oh yeah, that’s nostalgia. And I definitely got that strange nostalgic feeling during and after watching this beauty of art:
…and after listening to this greatly composed remix. Did you know that RL Stine is impossible to scare; he just laughs it off? I wonder if he really does rival K.A. Applegate and her Animorphs, or if they’re really friends down deep? Comment me your response and you will receive endless happiness. Now, since you might not be doing anything but reading my blog(s), POP QUIZ! (*insert groaning and moaning*)
1. Carly Beth from The Haunted Mask comes back to help Steve in The Haunted Mask II. True or false?
2. At the end of My Best Friend is Invisible, what disgusts Sam and his family about his invisible friend?
A. He’s a human!
B. He has a Bieber haircut
C. He’s jotting this all down to report to RL Stine to make a Goosebumps book out of it
3. What is the fake superhero persona that Skipper uses to save himself against Libby/the Mutant at the end of Attack of the Mutant?
a. The New Plastic Man
b. The Colossal Elastic Boy
c. Captain Spaghetti Limbs
4. What is the horrible thing that Mr. Toggle does to people in Piano Lessons Can Be Murder?
a. Forces them to teach their cats how to play Keyboard Cat
b. Cuts off their hands and make the hands play piano music
c. Drive around in a white van with ‘FREE PIANO LESSONS’ on it
5. In Attack of the Jack-o’-Lanterns, who the heck are the pumpkin monsters?
a. Shane and Shana in disguise
b. They’re pumpkin monsters
c. Lee and Tabby ruining another Halloween for them
1.True 2.A 3.B 4.B 5.A (Extra points if you find the secret code in the revealed answers. Here’s a hint: mamma mia!)
1/5: You’ve heard of Goosebumps, right?
2/5: Ouch, man. Try rereading these books and retaking the test. I’ll be waiting right here…
3/5: Bad, but not bad. Are you sure you didn’t try winging this and tried to remember when you read these in the second grade?
4/5: Not bad of a job, partner. I have some open spots for my Page by Page book club. Want to join?
5/5: Well done, Mr. Knows-His/Her-Goosebumps! I applaud your knowledge and the fact that you’re ready for my new performance test!
S.C.R.L.S.T. If you don’t know what that means, it’s that you should subscribe, comment, rate, like, and stay tuned! Be on the lookout for more SIR posts coming your way. Also do me a solid and check out 2Sam2Mwak and Stories for Bedtime, will ya? I’ll give you a cookie…
p.s. I thought I might as well exit this post in style…