Hey guys it’s Sam, and I have some super juicy news to tell you. News that’ll make your day. News that’ll turn your life upside down. News that’ll…ah, you get the point. If you’re a fan of Scholastic-published graphic novel sagas like Magic Pickle or Knights of the Lunch Table, you’ve probably heard about Bone, the big boss of them all. Created by Jeff Smith in 1991 and alive until 2004 (with re-colored re-releases going from 2005 to 2009), and despite the fact that it lasted for only nine books, Bone is still a great ripple into the lake of Scholastic graphic novels, and it’s also a ten-time Eisner Award winner (like Oscars, but for comics). And you know how books get turned into movies way too frequently (Ramona and Beezus, Charlotte’s Web, Judy Moody, etc.)? Same thing’s happening to Bone, and brother/sister, my—and maybe your—dreams have been answered.
U like? Those were self-made Bone movie posters, son. And while the template for actual posters is to be determined (although you could consider mine, you have 100% permission, but give me credit and 5% of the total gross), the concept for a Bone movie has literally been around since the 90s, when Bone was just reaching its heyday. Back then, Nick Movies was the first to develop the idea and take action, but the rights were just recently claimed by Warner Bros. in ’08 (which explains the “a WARNER BROS production” label on my posters). And now, the studio’s finally moving forward with their great idea. Patrick Sean Smith, the man who created the recently-ended ABC Family show Greek, has been officially hired to adapt the script for P.J. Hogan (Muriel’s Wedding, My Best Friend’s Wedding, and 2003’s Peter Pan). If you don’t already know the story that has captivated millions, here it is: three Bone cousins, Fone, Phoney (real name: Phoncible), and Smiley have been exiled from their hometown of Boneville. Therefore, they embark in a series of wild fantasy adventures including rat creatures, “stick-eaters”, and a creepy hooded guy known and feared through the village as “the Hooded One” (basically, he’s Voldemort, Bone edition).
Although the format of the movie hasn’t been confirmed (if it isn’t animated like I want it to be.. >:-/), Mr. Hogan will be directing the movie at Animal Logic, home of animated movies like Happy Feet and Happy Feet 2, and The Guardians of Ga’Hoole. This will most likely make the discussion come to a final conclusion that Bone will be a CGI animated film like I want it to be. The catch is, Animal Logic is an Australian company. So you know what that means—either Bone: The Movie will simply be Australian-American, or Bone is going to be a foreign movie. And if it’s gonna be a foreign movie, then that’s at least a month of my life wasted on anticipation. If you want to know how I want Bone to be structured, then here you go:
THE WAY I WANT BONE: THE MOVIE TO BE MADE
- Start off your first movie built after the first book, so it would be literally called Bone: Out from Boneville. If that does good (or if you simply want to, because Resident Evil‘s been going down critically but going up financially), then keep making movies until you make one for all 9 books. It’s hard trying to cram everything into one movie, and the Bone faithful will be really disappointed if their favorite series is only interpreted in one movie.
- Make the movie as kid-friendly as the first Harry Potter movie…it wasn’t! That movie had giant trolls, 3-headed dogs, ghosts, and other crazy stuff. (It’s an astonishment that Harry Potter had PG ratings for the first 3 movies, including the 6th one later on.) Not that I’m saying that any of that was in the first Bone book, but you know what I mean. Have your fair share of kiddie and also non-kiddie in the movie, because if you take it too far, the makers will set the movie up for a PG-13 rating. And that’s a real bummer in the summer, because most of the Bone faithful I know are preteens. With every proceeding movie, make the series take more darker turns until literally, the MPAA has to give it a PG-13 rating. At least do what director Mike Newell did: save all the intensity for the fourth movie.
- If you’re gonna make the movie CGI, at least give it some good CGI visuals. The last thing I want is for Bone to end up looking like this when it hits the big screen:
Make the visuals rope the person in, because that’s how people usually want to watch movies/play video games/watch TV shows, or else the concept of Bone: The Movie will be a bust before it even releases. Don’t make the entire movie make viewers assume it was brought to us using 3DS Max, Maya (pronounced mie-yuh), Photoshop, and After Effects. Well…
4. Make voice acting reasonable. Thankfully I haven’t heard much of the three lead Bone stars being portrayed by the voices of child actors. Make the voicing reasonably acceptable, because this is what my brother told me: if you can’t make chemistry with the main character, it’s guaranteed that you’re not gonna like the entire work, because people focus the most on the main character. Mass Effect wouldn’t be the same without Commander Shepard, nor would Double Dragon be the same without Billy and Jimmy Lee. And for this, all I have to say is: don’t make the voicing annoying, but just a little grating, perhaps. Not like I’ve worked in film…unless you count school plays as film.
5. Stay true to what’s in the book. I know, this probably should’ve been #1, but hey. If you’re not gonna stick to what’s in the book, then you might as well scrap the idea of a Bone movie right now. Film adaptations are executed solely for sticking to what’s in the book. The movie Bridge to Terabithia gave us everything from the book, but in movie form. That’s actually bad, because you might as well leave some free space for audiences to find surprises and/or discoveries that they didn’t read in the book. This was the problem with about the 1st and 2nd Potter movies, simply said. You don’t want too much surprises, nor do you want too little. You want the perfect amount of discoveries while still staying truthful to the Bone tale.
6. Make sure you’ve even read the darn book yourself. No explanation necessary here.
Well, that’s all for now. I gotta go get some shut-eye, or whatever people call sleeping these days. But before you go, one last question: Are you excited for this entire plan at all?