WARNING! Before proceeding any further on this post, please note that it contains recklessly speckled spoilers, so this post is labeled with a “SPOILER ALERT” seal. Proceed with known caution. And if we spoiled the movie for you, we are 0% responsible.
Hey guys it’s Sam, back with a review about not books, or games, but movies! If you’ve seen that I haven’t been releasing much movie reviews lately, raise your hand. ************* I bet everyone in the room just raised their hands. Anyway, I’m going to review a Disney classic that I’m lucky I got off of my “movies I’m embarrassed I haven’t seen yet” list. Why was the 20th century just that one collection of 100 years to start whipping up Disney classics? Snow White, Pinocchio, the list is just too big to name! Could this be a pick worth your popcorn? Let’s find out. Is it Beauty and the Beast? Nope. Peter Pan? No, not that classic. Cinderella? That’s just gross. Who couldn’t have guessed Pocahontas?
“If you kill him, you’ll have to kill me, too.”
– Pocahontas stands between her father and her true love.
Pocahontas was that super-old movie that became the first Disney movie to star a real historical character, Chief Powhatan’s daughter, Pocahontas, as well as the thirty-third Walt Disney Animated Classic. This movie was a 1995 flick that actually mixed true olden facts with humor, romance, and even sorrow. But hey—history was full of hard times. This movie was about indeed Chief Powhatan’s daughter, Pocahontas who has been sentenced to marriage with the “extremely serious” Kocoum. She then finds love for the Englishman John Smith soon after he saves a young man’s life from a watery grave, who turns out to be from the people the Indians plan to attack. So it’s sort of like a Gnomeo and Juliet story. Or Alpha and Omega. This love gets accompanied by the hilarious acts of Percy the dog, Meeko the raccoon, and Flit the hummingbird. Seriously. My hats go off to these Three Stooges.
It’s a guilty pleasure kind of movie, since things slow down a bit throughout the movie. People break into song at unnecessary times without warning, the scene where Pocahontas talks with Grandmother “Tree Monster” Willow drags by unnecessarily, etc. etc. etc. Make sense? But still, it does teach you about Pocahontas, John Smith, and just how funny a menagerie of three completely different animals can make me laugh my shoes off. Pocahontas is pretty much a 81-minute social studies lesson. And what’s better? A soundtrack’s worth of amazing music, almost 30 tracks? Don’t mind if I do, folks!
2 3/4 out of 5 – Educational value – Some facts may be tattered over time and time again, but at least the movie gives a clear image of Pocahontas and John Smith, although they really did not find each other…it’s what was told in my social studies book. Historically inaccurate, yes. A clear telling of different stories, yes.
2 out of 5 – Positive messages – Pocahontas has divine messages that educate John about the use of the word “savage”, assuming that Pocahontas’s people live simply for a lack of sophistication, when they really use communication in far more advance that John’s colleagues. The youngest of viewers might be confused with messages like, “A man is not a man unless he knows how to shoot.”
2 1/2 out of 5 – Positive role models – Pocahontas is considered a headstrong daughter to her father, Chief Powhatan. He takes her words very seriously upon decisions, and the British leadership is not as kind or thoughtful.
3 out of 5 – Ease of view – Pocahontas is a good movie that suffers bland tempo decrease from time to time, with a hugely boring outcome once the credits roll. Good award-winning music? Yes. Romantically heartbreaking? Yes. All flash, no substance? Yessiree!
3 1/4 out of 5 – Violence – Two Native Americans get shot, one actually killed. Pocahontas’s father nearly kills John at the edge of a cliff if it hadn’t been for his daughter’s quick rescue. Much of the plot is about two warring sides: the British and the Indian natives. Expect to see sharpened and brandished knives, swords, muskets, and shootouts. There is one perilous scene with a ship on a stormy ocean where a man almost drowns. A song sang by the British ranting against savages, using phrases like “Their skin’s a hellish red”, “Dirty shrieking devils”, and “Killers at the core” will probably terrify younger audiences, and even audiences like me.
2 out of 5 – Inappropriate Content – Pocahontas and John share the main love of the movie, always taking time to look into each other’s eyes. The two even share passionate but steamy make-outs…twice! Another mature aspect is that the Pocahontas-John pair is quickly intimate with their body language.
1 out of 5 - Language – Lots of mean phrases like “dirty savages” and “filthy heathens” that are as mean as they get. The phrase “hellish” appears in one of the verses of “Savages” (“their skin’s a hellish red”), which somewhat says that H-E-double hockey sticks is a bad word.
3 1/2 out of 5 – Product Placement – Pocahontas is now the seventh-announced Disney Princess, whose brand reaches tall and wide. Expect to see branding on consumer’s merch, food, books, sites, and other media.
Smarts: B- (3 points)
See-Again Ratio: B+ (3.5 points)
Fun: B+ (3.5 points)
Entertainment: A- (4 points)
Humor: A (4 points)
Style: A- (3.5 points)
FINAL SCORE: 21.5 out of 30 (ouch?), 3 stars out of 5, 70% out of 100%
CONSENSUS: It’s a beautiful story followed by impressive voice acting and realistic emotion, and it deserves its right as a Walt Disney Animated Classic, but Pocahontas takes way too long to progress from sequence to sequence, and that’s when the blandness begins to pour in…
RENT, BUY, OR SKIP?: Rent it. Please. If you’re probably 5 years old, you could skip this off the griddle. If you’re mature enough to maintain this violence, buy it for your own good. It’s a bit of everything, with different opinions.
PRICE: If you’re really willing to take the hit, Amazon sells the tenth-anniversary edition for an astounding 31 dollars. But hey—at least I didn’t fork over that huge $79 price. Some Instant Click method Amazon has sells the regular edition for a quick $15. The golden classic collection sells for 83 freaking dollars! But its used price of $30 doesn’t really improve things much. Blockbuster sells it for a weekly rental of $5.00. Pick your price and stay with it.
IS THIS A PICK WORTH YOUR POPCORN?: That’s the question you may have all been dying to hear the answer of. My answer is sorta, because it’s a great movie and all, but it’s terribly slow and bland, is its problem. Definitely a yes to those three animals, however.
Well, that’s all for a Monday of Sammwak-ness! Come back next Monday for another sweet-as-sugar post here on Sammwak! And come back the Monday after that for our “2nd” annual Christmas special! Don’t miss it, or I’ll miss you when we celebrate hardcore!
p.s. Here’s our question of the day: These creepy things called Animorphs invented by a crazy lady from right here in Michigan named K.A. Applegate are now my most feared behemoths. What scares you the most? Respond in your comment below!
Hey guys it’s Sam, and I’ve decided to host an award show. You’re probably rolling on the floor laughing out loud (ROTFLOL), asking yourself, “How can this little kid host such a big show?” Well, it’s your votes that count, and the nominee with the most votes wins a nice Sammwak Award!
The first category, churned out in bed just past 11:00, is the best animated movie. And your nominees are…
Don’t tango with Rango. Gore Verbinski’s spaghetti Western comedy follows the chameleon Rango as he stumbles off his owner’s car and into the lawless Old Western town of Dirt. He carries zeal to become the new sheriff and the first good guy upon Dirt’s graveyard full of them. It just came out on DVD and Blu-Ray, it had its debut release on March 4 by Paramount, almost 2 weeks before St. Patrick’s Day. And good luck it did get with nonstop critical praise, and a #2 rank on Charter On Demand. Can Rango tango down with a nice golden Sammwak Award?
Feeling despicable? The director’s team of Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud was too, so they drank from a rusty bucket of water, and thus created Despicable Me. Universal Pictures is behind this 3D adventure, as Gru, the second-most evil super villain (behind Vector, the villain with magnitude) inherits three orphaned girls as pawns for his crime of the century…stealing the moon. But he finds out that their love for him is profoundly changing him, much to his partner’s (Dr. Nefario) dismay. He’s stuck with the decision between staying super bad, or becoming a super dad. What’s really super is how much success it got, critical and in the box office. Coughing up more than $530 million, as well as 2011 KCA, can Gru get the final inspiration to finish that shrink ray with a shiny golden Sammwak Award?
This is the final challenge. The biggest of all. This is the movie that beat out Rango as the #1 title on Charter On Demand. It is…Rio. We haven’t had much animal comedies with much music, but 20th Century Fox brought back what we needed for sure. The movie tells the story of the blue macaw Blu, shipped to Rio de Janeiro to mate with a female. That female does turn out to be the bird of his dreams, Jewel. This mating duo works together to escape from the smuggling clutches of the cockatoo Nigel. But you know what they couldn’t escape…success. It was a bomb that blew up so far, they needed to make an app with the Angry Birds! (the chronological third, behind Seasons and the original) But can it fly far enough to catch a Sammwak Award on its path?
Those are your three choices of the best animated movie. Vote, vote, vote, and whoever gets the most votes wins a Sammwak Award! Start voting…now!
p.s. Toy Story 3 is also a nominee, but the stupid Poll-daddy mechanics wouldn’t let me in on a fourth pick. You can also vote for TS3 if you want, as well as others you enjoy. Just a clarification.
Hello there, viewers. It’s me, Sam. And it’s time to take a look and reminisce back in time. Go back to the 1990s, where Street Fighter II changed the face of fighting forever, Mario Kart 64 made a slam-bang drift into our hearts, and that good Crash Bandicoot arrived. But in the 1990s, there was also another time. The time where TV ratings got so low, that a bunch of animated cartoons started swallowing airing times. Some people call it the “invasion of the animation.” Others the “cartoon boom.” I call it “Nickelodeon in the 90s.”
Nick, as we all know it is today, is the top cable channel since April 1979, not to be confused with its launch on December 1977 as “Pinwheel.” It was also literally the first channel aiming at kids, dating back to Pinwheel days. But Nickelodeon really did have lots of cartoons in the 90s. I even have a good list of them: Angry Beavers, Hey Arnold!, and even Rugrats. But one show really stood out that I enjoy today. Yes, it was animated. It was hilarious, life-oriented, and a total fit-in with my comic writing. That show was called…
…Doug. Not much afterward, just Doug. If you’ve ever heard of this post a little or a lot, please like this post at the bottom.
Doug was one of Nick’s many TV series involved in the cartoon boom. Running from 1991 to 1994, then getting picked up by Disney from 1996 to 1999 (ending actually after SpongeBob began), the show was based on its titular protagonist, Doug–I dare you to try not to laugh or grin–Funnie. A grade-schooler from Bloatsburg into Bluffington, the show follows the exploits of Doug and his misadventures on and off school. How this ties into my comic writing is that Doug is an actual comic-maker himself. His comic characters are superhero Quailman, secret agent Smash Adams, explorer Race Canyon, crime-stopper the Chameleon, cowboy Durango Doug, outlaw Jack Bandit, and Wafflestomper.
One thing I liked about it was its short but sweet and epic theme song, composed by genius Fred Newman. I think it was the theme that got me hooked in the first place. I mean, come on, dude. How can you stare ahead and ignore a theme song like THIS?
It’s just impossible.
Well, I guess that’s all for now. Check out YouTube for more Doug!
Hey guys it’s Sam and as you know, I haven’t really been to the cinemas since Tron: Legacy. And I don’t feel like it either. Well along with the new movie Beastly, there’s another computer-animated western comedy that I’ve already made a post on…
Yep. That’s right, spaghetti Western junkies. That pesky old chameleon Rango is now in theaters in his own movie of the same name, and now that guy’s blowing up, and by blowing up, I mean “Whip My Hair” blowing up. Critics are raving this thing, even Rotten Tomatoes with a 88% rating! He’s even in the newspaper in the Movies section under the article There’s a New Sheriff In Town, And He’s a Rootin’-Tootin’ Reptile. And only the most worthy movies get in there. But here’s the thing that is a total tick-off…it gets its own game!!! And along with its Shaky Shooter on Nick.com, Rango may be blowing up in a little too much places. Oh, but here’s where the real jealousy builds…IT GETS AN ONLINE GAME!!! I know what you’d say about now…LUCKY!!! But seriously, is THIS worthy enough of both a video game and an online one?
Okay maybe it is, but what do YOU say?:
AND check out this cool featurette showing what they did to set in the actors! Plus, it’s in HD! When has Clevver EVER let us down?
Do you like chameleons? Do you like Johnny Depp? Do you like goofy CGI comedies? Fans and fanatics, meet the perfect blend of these three…
Johnny Depp portrays his literal first animated-comedy role as Rango, an aspiring chameleon fresh off the terrarium. He finds himself removed from American southwest surroundings and instead in an Old West town called Dirt, where every desert critter roughly adds to the characteristics of a Spaghetti Western. Rango’s always aspired to be the hero, so he establishes himself as the lawman, strolling the streets like it’s a sheriff’s business. But little does he know that the good guy role doesn’t go well here in Dirt, and if he ain’t seeing THAT coming, he can check out the cemetery full of good guys in Dirt…well, they WERE in Dirt. But Rango’s not quitting now, and he just wants to merge into his surroundings, no matter how much struggle unfolds. But at a certain point, Rango will come to question everything about himself.
Rango has Nick Movies, Blink Wink, GK Films, and Industrial Lights & Magic as studios, and the screenplay by John Logan, who has been reponsible for movies like The Aviator and such. This movie comes to life on March 4, 2011 and no, it will not be 3D. Sorry to bust a bubble, but maybe Gnomeo & Juliet would do better for 3D fans and fanatics.
Rango will be PG and a site is also already out, at rangomovie.com. If you still want more goods, wait for 10 days and eventually, your time will come. Jeez oh Pete.