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Hey guys it’s Sam, and let’s talk turkey about Sam is Random, even though Thanksgiving isn’t till November this year. SIR is just about anything that comes to my mind that I feel like sharing with my brethren fans, and I’m just going to tell you one thing: GOOSEBUMPS IS PLAIN WEIRD. And I’ll give you a couple tidbits of proof (some I’ve read, some I haven’t). Just to dub Stine every time he publishes a new book: “Reader beware—you’re in for a scare!”

Brain Juice – This is not only a downright weird Series 2000 entry, but a disgusting one as well. You just need to tell from the cover and its purple juice-oozing brain that this is a terrible thing to read, just like people say minds are. After two kids down some alien-manufactured brain juice, they literally turn into geniuses (dumb, but predictable), and these aliens are looking for young geniuses just like their kind. What. See, I haven’t read this book, so I wouldn’t know how strange it is. As I will quote Troy Steele from Blogger Beware, “Based on the number of times some variation of the word “stupid” was used in Brain Juice, the target audience must have been Andy from Monster Blood.” A mind actually would be a terrible thing to drink: that is, if aliens actually existed.

Chicken Chicken – Let me tell you, I’m not the only one who thought this book was a mistake from minute one. Well, it’s about these two kids named Crystal and Cole, Crystal being the redheaded goodie gumballs, and Cole being the obsessive prankster who could even make his mom dial the doctor for his case of red Sharpie chicken pox. But the book actually picks up a lot later when Crystal, Cole, and this dude named Anthony charge into this girl named Vanessa after buying groceries. While Anthony apologizes and abandons his friends (smooth move), Vanessa mutters “Chicken chicken” to them, and guess what? They—no, I think you can figure that out yourself. In a world where no one notices you’ve grown a freaking beak at school, and people can cast spells on you that turn you into animals (no, I think we did that already), this book had to be created. I’m not even going to waste more space ranting and/or describing this book’s failures for you, and just quote Troy again: “…I can not possibly foresee any other Goosebumps book I read being worse than this.”

The Blob That Ate Everyone – This book just masters the art of being bad. Bad name, bad cover, bad tagline, bad storyline, bad book! But we’re here to explain how it’s weird: There’s this boy named Zackie Beauchamp who wants to be a successful horror writer, which makes sense because…never mind. He’s conceiving a story about a pink blob that devours a whole town. The end. Then he finds a typewriter in a burnt-down antique store, takes it home, and becomes BFFs with it in the same way RL Stine found his new friend when he was a kid. Anyway, there’s something strange about the typewriter. Something extraordinary. Oh yeah; everything Mr. Beauimnottypinghisnameagain writes come true. Ooh, so spooky. Even though things get serious when the blob monster comes to life, there’s one thing I’m revealing: it’s not the typewriter…

My Best Friend Is Invisible – Do I have to waste space describing this to you? Well, I will: it’s a story starring me (or, at least, a boy with my name) which renders me totally into ghosts and sci-fi, which I am not. My parents only believe in legit science, themselves being research scientists who think I don’t have the perfect hobby. But now I met this kid who’s a total thorn in the side, crashing in my room, nom-nomming my breakfast. I gotta get this nuisance out of here—but the thing is, he’s flopping invisible. OMG. The weirdest pat of the book was definitely its ending, and I can’t spoil the book, so you could go buy it, or check out its page on Blogger Beware. If you’re not a fan of wasting time Googling, you can just click here for the review of My Best Friend Is Invisible. Surely you’re a fan of that.

The Werewolf in the Living Room – Nuff said.

Bride of the Living Dummy – Okay, now I get it: Slappy’s jealous because Chucky’s stealing all his spotlight. He does everything Chucky does, and he still gets trapped in just books after books while Chucky’s making fame in show biz. Chucky starts out cute, Slappy starts out cute. Chucky comes to life and gets creepy, Slappy comes to life and gets creepy. Chucky dies at the end and gets resurrected, Slappy dies at the end and gets resurrected. Chucky gets a freaking wife, and guess what…Slappy’s got himself a wife!

Invasion of the Body Squeezers, Parts 1 and 2 – This seems to be epic only in the way that Epic Movie is epic. Oh, and one more thing that I forgot…WHAT THE FUDGE MUFFIN IS THIS.

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There are lots more, but it would take you probably the rest of the hour to find that out. Anyway, Goosebumps gives me this strange feeling that ponders in my heart, all strangely warm and pleasant. No it’s not compassion…oh yeah, that’s nostalgia. And I definitely got that strange nostalgic feeling during and after watching this beauty of art:

…and after listening to this greatly composed remix. Did you know that RL Stine is impossible to scare; he just laughs it off? I wonder if he really does rival K.A. Applegate and her Animorphs, or if they’re really friends down deep? Comment me your response and you will receive endless happiness. Now, since you might not be doing anything but reading my blog(s), POP QUIZ! (*insert groaning and moaning*)

1. Carly Beth from The Haunted Mask comes back to help Steve in The Haunted Mask II. True or false?

2. At the end of My Best Friend is Invisible, what disgusts Sam and his family about his invisible friend?

A. He’s a human!

B. He has a Bieber haircut

C. He’s jotting this all down to report to RL Stine to make a Goosebumps book out of it

3. What is the fake superhero persona that Skipper uses to save himself against Libby/the Mutant at the end of Attack of the Mutant?

a. The New Plastic Man

b. The Colossal Elastic Boy

c. Captain Spaghetti Limbs

4. What is the horrible thing that Mr. Toggle does to people in Piano Lessons Can Be Murder?

a. Forces them to teach their cats how to play Keyboard Cat

b. Cuts off their hands and make the hands play piano music

c. Drive around in a white van with ‘FREE PIANO LESSONS’ on it

5. In Attack of the Jack-o’-Lanterns, who the heck are the pumpkin monsters?

a. Shane and Shana in disguise

b. They’re pumpkin monsters

c. Lee and Tabby ruining another Halloween for them

ANSWERS

1.True 2.A 3.B 4.B 5.A (Extra points if you find the secret code in the revealed answers. Here’s a hint: mamma mia!)

1/5: You’ve heard of Goosebumps, right?

2/5: Ouch, man. Try rereading these books and retaking the test. I’ll be waiting right here…

3/5: Bad, but not bad. Are you sure you didn’t try winging this and tried to remember when you read these in the second grade?

4/5: Not bad of a job, partner. I have some open spots for my Page by Page book club. Want to join?

5/5: Well done, Mr. Knows-His/Her-Goosebumps! I applaud your knowledge and the fact that you’re ready for my new performance test!

……………………..

S.C.R.L.S.T. If you don’t know what that means, it’s that you should subscribe, comment, rate, like, and stay tuned! Be on the lookout for more SIR posts coming your way. Also do me a solid and check out 2Sam2Mwak and Stories for Bedtime, will ya? I’ll give you a cookie…

– Sam

p.s. I thought I might as well exit this post in style…



Hey guys it’s Sam, and have you ever wondered how my life is like? Well, you searched upon the right post, because Sammwak presents My Day My Life starring yours truly! This is the ultimate way to take a look at celebrity life, so why not my life?

FIRST ROUTINE

First I wake up in the morning, probably at 11:00 to noon, 1:00 if I’m extra sleepy.  I hobble to the bathroom to comb my hair, brush my teeth, and wash my face. Then I go down for breakfast.

BREAKFAST

I usually have Ensure nutrition drinks (the king of dairy products), even though my sister says it isn’t real breakfast. If we’re on an Ensure shortage, then I usually grab a bowl of cereal, whether it’s plain Cheerios or Lucky Charms.

10-MINUTE GAMING

I used to head down to the family room for some extreme ten-minute gaming. I usually played SSX Tricky (you know, when the PS2 actually still worked), then I varied to Diddy Kong Racing for the N64, and then that was pretty much my last ten-minute gaming time…excluding the nights I bashed on Super Street Fighter IV.

EXTREME COMPUTING

Then I head upstairs, get comfortable in the chair, and relax surfing the web. I usually make a couple post drafts right here on Sammwak, or I help the web otherwise like editing wikis. If there’s something going on in my head, either if it’s something I have or something irrationally wild, I usually make a video about it on my webcam. I also do a great amount of work at Cheezburger.com, where I go under the alias saml0lz. Yes, I have made the home page of several sites several times.

WHAT’S FOR LUNCH?

I usually either get called down for lunch, or go myself by around 3:00 to 4:00…or those extremely and lazily unlucky times where I need to have my dinner, which is also my lunch (a lunner?) I usually have a tasty plate of rice, whether it’s white or brown. If I feel extra appetizing, I usually garnish my meals with strips of bacon. During or after my meal, I usually go to the bathroom to have a baby. My latest boy was named Mr. Feces. Where is he now? In his home…halfway between my toilet and the Atlantic Ocean.

Then I go back upstairs and repeat Extreme Computing all over again.

VIDEOHEAD

I go on YouTube every day. Both to get a few laughs out, or to check some of my channels…sorry, me and my brother’s channel. Yeah, I watch viral videos (Annoying Orange and whatnot), and some channels I really like (nigahiga, TheFineBros, etc.) get subscribed…on Google Reader.

DINNER DASH

Just take a look back up at What’s for Lunch? I usually have rice, whether I have to wash it down with a bowl of Romaine hearts. (It’s just salad.) The only time I didn’t have rice was when:

A) I went out for dinner (which I wish would happen more often) at a restaurant.

B) I got stuck with a plate of mushy ugali. (That’s corn meal)

Then I infrequently go to the bathroom and have another baby. My latest girl’s a shortie, and her name’s Ms. Scat. She and Mr. Feces are probably raising a wonderful family together.

AFTER-DINNER DOINGS

Okay, now it’s time for my nightlife. My brother usually stays down at the family room with his nighttime meal. I usually watch TV or do some street fighting. Then I usually go back to the TV of mild boredom and watch some TV up until 11:00, my bedtime. But if I feel like a bad boy, I’ll squeeze in a few more minutes of street fighting, just to reward myself.

Then I run upstairs, change into my pajamas (or shower, if I feel like a goody gumball), and drift into sleep, whether it’s quick and dreamless, or with at least one sad, weird, or freakishly creepy dream.

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TRIP DAYS

This is a new kind of day. I usually wake up, do my first routine, and then get whisked off in our Chevy Impala, usually (if not always) to Chicago. We usually make a couple stops at gas stations to get a reload or to reload on energy with some sweets, then we head right back on the road. We usually spend the night at our destination (speaking of destination, did I mention we use a GPS?), then we chug back home. Take all our stuff out. And if we’re extra early, take a nap. Or sleep, whatever you would call it.

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And that, my friend, is a look at my life! Thanks for being a part of Sammwak, and if you blog right here at WordPress, please like my posts. If you don’t blog here, just subscribe and/or leave a comment. Remember, it’s 100% natural!

– Sam

p.s. Tomorrow, I fall into the evil clutches of what is known as…school. Wish me all the luck you can.

p.p.s. This is the first post categorized under Home in a long time.



Hey guys. I’ve probably been making you undergo this formula every week on Sammwak: videos, videos, games, books breast cancer. Rinse and repeat. Well, now I’ve decided to rewind back to books, but I’m also rewinding back to a segment that I haven’t done in a long time on Sammwak. And that’s book reviewing. Considering the fact that I just turned out a couple books to and from Chicago just Wednesday, I’ve decided to bring them back right here on Sammwak. The one that I actually finished will be here today. This book was released February 1994, so that makes it approximately seventeen years old (older than my sister!). The next ride might be the last in the sixteenth installment in the popularly paranormal series, One Day at HorrorLand. (Fun fact: Do you know that Scholastic was 74 years old when they made this?)

SPOILER ALERT: For anyone who does not like their books spoiled, I suggest you roam elsewhere on the site.

RATED TV-PG: For people who don’t like severe horror and are easily nightmare-prone, I suggest you also roam elsewhere.

Front tagline: Enter if you dare….

Back tagline: The next ride might be their last…. (Which is a little old, but let’s go with them)

Description: The Morris family got lost trying to find Zoo Gardens Theme Park. But that’s okay. They found another amusement park instead. It’s called HorrorLand. In HorrorLand there are no crowds. No lines. And the admission is free. It seems like a pretty cool place. But that was before that heart-stopping ride on the deadly Doom Slide. And that terrifying experience in the House of Mirrors. Because there’s something weird about the rides in HorrorLand. Something a little too creepy. A little too real…

————————–

This book was deeply squandered, repetitively and predictably unfunny, and…it breaks my heart to say this…scary. Perhaps this is one of the most original Goosebumps books to actually scare me even for a moment. As depicted in the description, it depicts around the Morris family: Dad, Mom, narrator Lizzy, her little brother Luke, and his friend Clay. This whole adventure all happens because a foolish dad forgot to pack the map. Driving out in scenic nowhere, they stumble across HorrorLand, “where nightmares come to life.” Just as they exit their car, guess what happens? It explodes. I’m not even joking. It explodes. Twisted metal and burning cinders are everywhere, much to Dad’s horror. He tries calling 911, but HorrorLand strictly prohibits phoning. Sad and unlucky day.

To save all the energy and muscle it takes to type out the whole literal story, let me break it down to you:

Doom SlideWarning! You May Be The One To Slide To Your Doom! – How is it scary? Take the unlucky pick, and you might slide to your infinite doom. Pretty cheesy, huh? Lizzy, Luke, and Clay are the participants. Considerably, the slide basically has you sliding at the speed of light (maybe even faster) through fake fire, and then out you go. If that were a cartoon, you’d literally be flying over HorrorLand at this rate.

House of Mirrors Reflect Before You Enter. No One May Ever See You Again! – How is it scary? The walls cave in on you, crushing you into a perfect human square? Lizzy, Luke, and Clay are also the participants. There are a bunch of mirrors everywhere. That’s it. Also try not to hurt yourself.

Coffin CruiserA Relaxing Float To The Grave. – How is it scary? You apparently lie down in coffins as you float on a brown water river, then the lids suddenly shut on you. That’s it. Everyone is a participant here.

Bat Barn – How is it scary? How do you think it’s scary? In the dark, a bajillion bats. That’s how it’s scary. Lizzy, Luke, and Clay are also the participants.

That’s pretty much HorrorLand in a nutshell.

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The Ending: After realizing they were the victims on the candid camera show HorrorLand Hidden Camera (more like Punk’d Monster Mix) that airs on the Monster Channel after 30 Monster Meals and viewed by 2 million beasts worldwide, the family goes through an obstacle course and sets a new record of all five surviving. They hitch a HorrorLand bus to drive home, but a monster was in the back the whole time…just to award them tickets for next year.

Memorable Cliffhanger Chapter Ending: Page 73, concluding chapter 15. The Morris parents have abandoned their children with a message: “Goodbye.”

———————

This book really had hopes and dreams. But how it turned out, those got roughly shattered. The premise got old fast (going to die? I prefer not, you’re OK), and so did its humor. The only thing that could stick around for literally half the amount of chapters was the horror…and I guess that’s a good thing. It just couldn’t last long enough to squeeze out the entertaining juices.

FINAL SCORE: 6.5/10 (a fair book)

CONCLUSION: If you know your Goosebumps, then this book would be more like One Day To BoreLand. But if you’re a newbie veteran, you might be interested into gazing at a few chapters. One Day To HorrorLand just fails to be fresh and entertaining, and that’s what so violently destroys it.’

– Sam

p.s. I like new challenges every day, so I’ve decided that a Spanish version of Sammwak may be launched sometime! (And yes, it will still be called Sammwak, because who’s heard of that word?) Even if it’s out for just a momento, I’m sure that any Spanish fans of this blog can understand it in their own lengua! (That’s Spanish for language.)



Hey guys it’s Sam and I’ve decided to start my own other segment on Sammwak! Also, have you heard of Know Your Meme? It’s this cool place on the Interwebs where you get a thorough description of Internet memes, like “Shoop da Whoop” and the Keyboard Cat. Well, it’s also talked about this Internet meme that grew and sparked on the 4chan board where it got its attention. It was in this animated comedy TV series in the 90s (1995-1997, to be exact). It was called Freakazoid!, or a longer title, Steven Spielberg Presents Freakazoid!. That’s right, Mr. Spielberg created this show along with Bruce Timm and Paul Dini. Man, that show had stuff like fourth walls, slapstick, parodies and surreal humor, even pop cultural referencing. And for a show about a superhero, that’s pretty epic.

Now, you’re probably wondering, “Why is an Internet meme supposed to be a SHOW?” Don’t worry, it’s NOT. If you got some good eyes, you saw that this meme is IN the show. And it’s so dangerous, I can’t even utter its own name. So, I’ll refer to him as __________.

Now, __________ is a villain in the show, a supernatural one with a burlap sack over his head. No wonder he’s called the Bogeyman. He resorts to abducting anyone who dares to say his name and roping them up. (That’s the meme!) So that’s why everyone’s fearing this dude. It’s like Voldemort, almost; no one dares to speak HIS name.

But, this is pretty whack, but this guy’s weakness is PIE. No lie. Just PIE. So, the meme is that the user says __________’s name, but then stops typing mid-sentence, implying that __________ captured them! Here are some examples of such usage:

“Who is Candlejack anywa-”

“All these Candlejack jokes aren’t fu-”

“Candlejack. There, I said it, and nothing ha-”

“Candlejack’s gonna need a lot more ro-”

See? It’s terrifying. It’s funny. It’s TERRIFYING. So, now that you know for the day, in grave caution: When you’re ever in the Freakazoid! world, DON’T SAY __________!!!

But it’s nice to say Candlejack NOW, since he doesn’t even exi-

– Sam

p.s. Check out Know Your Meme’s Candlejack page here, but proceed with extreme cau-

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/candlejack

p.p.s. Also check out Candlejack’s original appearance on the sho-



Hello, all and I’m starting a new segment that I was planning long ago, but scrapped. But now, I’m fishing it out of the trash and putting it here on Sammwak! This segment is “Pic of the Day”, a segment where I put up a humorous image, and request you to comment on it and vote on the polls for their opinions. Today’s pic is powered from annoyingorange.com, where you can get hilarious fan photos 24/7. This post’s pic of the day is…

This was a hilarious find because it was the perfect spoof of Plants vs. Zombies, but with a fruity twist! If you were as prone as me, you’d be doubling over. You would be LOL. You would be ROTFL. You would be LMAO. You would be ROTFLOL. You’d be OMGWTFBBQ by now. But anyways, if you’re as prone as me still, please do leave a comment about this image, because it was either this or Paranormal Fruitivity.

Also feel free to vote:

That, my friend, is the pic of the day. If I’m not too lazy, check back for a post every day. Because no opinion is the fact.

Sincerely yours,

Sam



Hey guys it’s Sam and NO it still isn’t another app review. It’s a little something-something I made. A project, you could call it.

I’m a fan of “Weird Al” Yankovic, and I have all of his songs (well, not ALL of them) mentally videotaped and stored in my head. But today, as I was browsing the web, I searched up ‘how to parody’. It took me to an article at eHow to write a parody. I went to the ‘How to Write a Song Parody’ article, and read it through. As I was scrolling down to the comments, I saw one by Renee82 say that there was a site called AmIRight that accepted song parodies. I instantly went there, and caught a glimpse of these cheesy album cover parodies. I’ll upload a few of them right here:

See what I meant about these parodies? Now, these were inspirations for me to make an album parody of my own. Here it is:

Now, this cheesy parody just came from the inspirations of AmIRight.com. It literally persuaded me to parody this from “Weird Al” Yankovic’s actual album Bad Hair Day.

So, take some time to lol and comment or email me which albums you want to see parodied by yours truly! In the meantime, more quirky parodied album covers will be uploaded soon enough!

– Sam